Last text message you recieved?

Brian ko

I'm in deep shit, wait I'm not in deep shit, I'm once again left shaken and stirred.. All I can do now is hope and pray that the terms of endearment with "brian ko" means they're just close friends but bah! Dammit!!

All I want to do right now come up with some masterplan, and do it, which eventually end up being foiled because she's too smart and she'll find out or because things are really freakin' complicated, with everything and everybody at her disposal, the schedule, her friends and that old hag named brian...

Do I have to accept the fact to see the writing on the wall, that maybe its time to stop and forever, dammit I really lover her, can I keep this going? Am I this crazy? Am I gonna stop everything and eventualy be the victim of my own conceit..

All I have to do now is hope and pray that everything will fall accordingly, and her birthday, well I have a plan with or without the ski mask, comes to fruition.. Oh, she;s dating and her last shopping trip was in SM Lipa somewhere I think in the vicinity of that hag's hometown.. Jealous? Maybe..

Am I going back to the darkness that I don't want to come back to? I really love her yet sometimes I can only do too much, eventhough I haven't done something.. Can't give up though, or is it a good time to do it?

Good day! Good thing I have this blog as an outlet of everything crazy I've done for years, especially now. Who knows that I will fall in love with my officemate who is an exact opposite of my ideal girl yet I saw something intangible that made me fall for her, at first I thought it was lust, yet I tried taking a bath multiple times, slept tried dreaming of someone yet she was the only thing that is constant, she's always on mind blah blah blah blah I've been through this and lets go on with the story..

This past few days(Tuesday, Thursday and Saturday), I was busy, she was busy I think, I have this design to dress up our Team Manager's station, with minimal help from my teammates(thanks to Boss Guille though, and Aldrich, Miles and Elmer, Joleen and her friend) dammit I have to stop whining now.. The point is, we'll be seeing each other yet no words will come out from my mought not even a single "hi", "hello", or "whats up?", even after we had this conversation(via text, dammit so lame) last Saturday(last week) we didn't utter a single after that..

Last Saturday for me was half forgetful and half unforgetful, I went to my friend's party, she was also invited, the host which is Kat is my long time friend while "Batgirl" was our teammate in July, August and September (we call it a quarter).. I arrived a little late, when she was there all did was give her my lighter so she can light her cig, didn't even bother to say hi and hello until she had to bid her goodbye because she has to go through her crappy schedule, the only words that I uttered was "ingat ka" and so far thats it.. So when everybody's partying after a few minutes that she left I texted telling her to be careful and asked her if she;s home, she told me that she's still in the jeep, I texted her to be careful and text someone or me if she's home, her last text was she was telling me she's home and inform her friend the Kat that she's safe and she was so tired to text them.. So the curious guy in told them and asked Kat if "Batgirl" texted her, she said no, I told Kat "Batgirl" texted me informing me the news and stuff like that..  She was kinda puzzled though I think..

Told you it was half half, with the text message and not talking at all I can't come up with a perfect reason,I maybe paranoid, but I think she's either avoiding me by not talking to me, not smiling at me the way she usually does back then or whatever because she knew full well that I won't turn back and she doesn't like me or she's avoiding because dammit masyado ako assumero nito pero ito isa pang major reason(i think there are a thousand reasons why) na naiisip ko she's avoiding me because theres something going on between us(I mean the possiblity that she likes me too or something or whatever), I dont know, I can't find the answer, can't find the reason to I don't know.. Just help me or better yet NANIE SAVE ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

PS: I don't care if you're reading this and by Tuesday morning I have this big slap on my face and a kick in the nuts..

I don't know what title should I give, all I can think of is "sanity"

I'm trapped in your eternity
Hoping to keep my sanity
Tried cowering in my shadow
Only to find my tomorrow

Shall I end my torment?
The pain that kept me bent
The echoes of my desire
Like water burning in fire

I have to stop this plauge
Everything in the world is vauge
Have to make my stand
I don't care if no one understands

Love may have failed me
Stopped my eternal glee
Kept all my pain inside
All of it I tried to hide

Theres no room for sadness
You're the only one who ended my madness
The joy and inspiration of my heart
No obstacle can keep me apart


by JM Eñola

She was sick on our October 16th shift that we didn't get to see each other, I know that she was so sick since last Friday, we were talking about it, maybe lack of sleep or something or lack of rest. I do hope she's ok now.. Today is the start of our new schedule at work its 2:18 am right now and I'm wondering, if she's about to leave right now or if she's safe, heck I'm freaked out I'm worried.. Thats how sucky it is when you tried pursuing someone, though I don't want to make the same mistake all over again..

It was I think 5 or 10 minutes before my shift starts(October 16th), that is the last text message I received from her, I think she's mad at me.. I don't know maybe because of the text message I sent to her, heck I think she would have figured everything out, I think she knows that I love her dearly and she knows that I'm courting her yet I tried hiding in the shadows for the time being, now how can I tell it to her, pray that at one point in time for the next 3 months I bump into her and say hey "Nanie I love you so much" and I'm eternal now, I just wish I can do that, because I know I'm ready, I'm not afraid anymore, because I don;t want to go back in the dark anymore.. Don't want to betray myself again, maybe this is the downside of the choice I made, I must pay the price..

The fight is still on though, I must not stop, I won't stop struggling for her even if I have to walk to the fires of hell to do that.. God I love her so much, I just wish she can be mine.. I just wish everything is different, I just wish I had the right timing this time to make this work, to make everything work..

Nanie I love you with all my heart..

(if by accident you read the link and happens to read this blog of mine I think you know who you are, yes I am eternal now, yes I love you(and I think you know I love you) and hopefully we can talk)

If the letter didn't fall at locker 013 I think I'm right on schedule, or maybe I would have known if everything is cool, it was friday morning when we texted each other when both of us have gone in our respected fortress, she went home to what she calls her castle, while I went back to the fortress of solitude(nakanam!!!).. We talked and joked around, until I asked her what she thinks of me by asking if I'm an a$$hole, she just told me "ang OA ko".. Don't know what she means but my instincts tell me it something that is good or maybe not.. I know I can be an a$$ sometimes but sometimes you really need to know, not only to friends you've known,sometimes to the love of your life, your desire, the one you adore and the one you dream off every night(or in my case day)..

Actually when I placed the letter in her locker, I thought everything is in place, I tried "hiding", because I think she figured out I have this thing for her, sometimes if you're a step ahead of someone it kinda hurts you in a different way.. Then we started texting and stuff, call me simple minded but I was so happy that night, it feels like in her own little way she cured me, cured to all my insecurities and imperfections and my frustrations in life, talking to her is like a breathe of fresh air, whenever I'm alone with her she makes me feel like I am whole again(to steal a line from the Cure's Love Song), or better yet when I'm with her/sitting beside her I think I have reached my own little heaven, thinking of her makes me different, makes me brave, she changed me in some ways, or better yet the motivation that I won't make the same mistake twice.. I really feel this love is growing as days go by, all I have to do now is wait if everything is fine with her, if I can court her, or just like in my previous posts, fade into oblivion and leave them be, as far as I'm concerned I won't stop caring for her no matter what happens..

Oh, before I forgot, I placed the letter back to her letter, barring the laws of physics, she could have read the letter before she took her calls at 7pm last Saturday, at that time I was still in my eternal slumber, so far we haven't talked since Saturday morning, I just wish she feels ok since she told me she's sick..

Now the "battle lines" have been drawn, everything is in place and I think so far everything is happening spontaneously, though there is a plan so far being spontaneous works well, lets find out this week, if we can still talk.. Hopefully she wants to talk..

Until then...

PS: Waaaaaah can't bear the possible scenario of not being able to see her for possibly 3 months.. WAAAAAAAAAAAAH

I wont achieve much on being a timid, laid back, no good for nothing coward.. I have to act, don't want it to be too late or maybe never tell it at all..I don't want this to be an asterisk in my life(meaning another one of my regrets).. I don't care if she's reading this, I'd write her a letter..Maybe after a day or 2 tell her why I did it, reveal myself finally, if I lost, maybe I'll cry.. Maybe I can't give her blue roses and tulips on her birthday or christmas or she didn't answer probably I might pursue her or I might find ways to fade out.. Say my "goodbye" and fade into oblivion, gotta get rid of this "dark" jm, I've been doing this for the longest time and what has it gotten me? Nothing! I had a girl back then who could have been us but faded maybe because of my "dark side".. I fell in love with someone yet there is so much pressure inside me that I didn't get a chance to tell her yet I blamed it on 2006's New Years Eve brown out..

My target plan by the way is before my birthday and maybe when I get home in one piece(if she didn't destroy me figuratively and maybe literally), I will be able to tell you whats up, I might be able to tell you the results and say "its about time, you've been stuck with ________, now you've fallen for someone new, this time you "maned" up.. Good job".. Why do I always end up being ready and wanting someone yet, the chance isn't there(well so far it isn't there or maybe it isn't there, oh my God what am I talking about).. Back then we hid the the girl that I love named "girl" this time let me hide her under "barbie".. Barbie is belive or not is the exact opposite of everything I wanted, she's loud(though sometimes she's quiet), she loves Avril Lavigne(damn I hate Avril), she's to fashionable, sometimes she can be mean, she believes in karma(ok most of my ex does), she isn't that much mysterious to me, basta.. I can't describe it yet I find her attractive inside out, she's so nice, she's fun to be with, if words can describe everything then it'll be easy as one, two and three..

But theres one slight problem starting October 17th we'll be like north and south.. I'll be coming in to work at 530pm and she'll be reporting at 4am, damn.. And I can'thelp myself thinking how can she be safe going to the office at that time, I wish she has a pepper spray or some sort to repel all those who want to hurt her..  I just I'm Superman, fly to her house pick her up and fly back at the office, so I know she's safe.. I will miss her thats for sure..

Good day..

Been a long time since I updated my blog, been preoccupied on playing Prince of Persia Sands of Time, and NFL Madden 08(no PC release yet), and most of the time downloading songs..

Recently I was named Employee of the Month for August, my first EOM distinction since joining my company a year and half ago.. For me it was a good accomplishment, the distinction gave me to strive to do better, but it seems it is true, there is an EOM jinx because after being named EOM didn't get to sustain the momentum.. I better work for it..

UAAP Basketball, is about to close its tourney once again as they write the final chapter of their successful Season 71 Men's Basketball(srs) with an Ateneo - De La Salle tussle that started last Sunday, game one was taken by Ateneo 69-61 with superb games from Ryan Buenafe, Jai Reyes, Baclao and leading MVP candidate Al Hussaini (who blasted La Salle for 31 points and 10 rebounds).. La Salle on the other hand never had enough support coming from King Archer JV Casio, James Mangahas, Rico Maiherhoffer(who only showed up in the 2nd quarter) and Simon Adkins.. The Archers missed easy lay ups that frustrated me and the La Salle crowd at the Big Dome.. Game 2 I think will be on thursday..

Sometimes you have suppress something, sometimes its for your own good, sometimes its for the good of someone and most of the time its a combination of both.. I hated doing this, last time I suppressed this I never got a chance to maybe know what the person thinks or feels, it s*cks, but this time I have to endure, thats what I should do, I should never intervene, I should never allow myself to be impulsive, endure be the outcast..  If I have to let things go and make the person happy then why not? I've taken so much pain in life, I think I can endure more, I;ve lost everything that could possibly be lost, but sometimes a man cannot take more.. I may smile, laugh, cheer, skip, hop and all those stuff but all of it is a mask, a mask that hides what is really inside me, its tearing me apart.. Dammit! Why me? Why is it always me? I wish I never met her, I wish I took another time, and maybe none of this would have happen..

Before I start, hindi sa nagyayabang I got my first Employee of the Month award, I'm really happy but for me this not an individual award but a team award, without the people who motivated me, my team mates(new and old), my old team managers and old team leads(and the new ones).. Thank you!!! I would never pull it off without you and God thank you!!! See what hard work and a little luck can do for you..

First off, I really wanted to make this story or blog a long time ago but with the influx of movies such as One More Chance, For the First Time, Very Special Love, and others such as movies with Richard Guitierez and Angel Locsin on it, even movies with Kim Chui and Gerard Anderson is in it, lets go way back a film with Regine Velasquez and a random actor most of the time its Robin Padilla, once with Piolo Pascual, I think that is somewhere between 2000 to 2002..

Pinoy movies now a days in my opinion has gone through the love craze, they make the hottest love team pair up with one another make a predictable storyline with a predictable ending, with shallow plot and a poor audience to milk money from, gone are the days when we get to see quality films such as Aguila(Fernando Poe Jr and Christopher De Leon), Walang Himala, Oro Pronobis (or is it Ora Pronobis), Oro Plata Mata, films with social issues esp during the 80's or even the 70's(where you can piss off the Marcoses) Fight For Us, Batch 1980, Live Show(2001, won praises at numerous International Film Festival but was banned here in the Philippines), Macho Dancer and such.. I mean the great Filipino directors/visionaries made a lot of great movies back then even young guns such as Quark Henarez, waaah forgot the director who looked like Dodong Cruz of the Youth pulled off  good ones in the 90's and early 2000..

I really don't see the point why we get to see love stories when we can go back and make movies that actually makes sense because thats where Filipino film makers make good money or even have praises.. Why don't we go back in a time where we can tackle poverty in a film, talk trash about a crappy presidency, talk about a compelling story of revenge, love and such with unpredictable ending and plot.. Gone are those days I guess..

There are so many things in my mind, so much to say yet I don't know where to start, sometimes you have a lot to say but can't say it anyways.. Like whats happening to me right now, I can't find the right words to express what I'm feeling or what I'm thinking in the past few days..

I haven't felt this way in years, haven't been this high since I met MJ, yes its true, I found a new "leaf"(for the lack of better word) or better yet an inspiration that will help me push forward, inspire me to go greater heights.. Sounds cheezy but its true, I never expected something like this, I have to overcome fear, and never let the monkey on my back haunt me like some old injury nagging an old basketball player..

I'm falling in love, and I do hope its with the right person..

Just watched the dark knight but first I have to say that I hate myself for the past 4 weeks to be exact, minamalas na naman ako, I know that sometimes this is not the proper way to say all frustrations but for me hopefully it works, i shamed myself, hopefully I can bounce back, gahd! and by bouncing up I can earn more money and have a good schedule come the Christmas Season and oh I need another vacation, I think I deserve it..

Our refrigerator is broken, ayaw lumalig, so Im dying of thrist here, it seems that warm water cannot quench my thrist, agh! More reasons why I'm so unlucky.. Good thing my globe bill is not as huge as the Titanic or even Allen Iverson's ego..

The Dark Knight, the follow up to the 2005 box office hit BATMAN BEGINS.. Batman of course you all know is one of the pillars of DC Comics, having appeared in the big screens at least 7 times and has its own live action TV show in the 60's.. Actors that donned the cape and cowl are Adam West(Batman TV Series, and Batman '66 movie), Michael Keaton (Batman '89 and Batman Returns), Val kilmer (Batman Forever), I hate to say this the crappiest Batman of all George Clooney(Batman and Robin), and the latest Christian Bale (Batman Begins and the Dark Knight)..

The story picks up right where Begins left off, there was a new villain in town, named the Joker(Heath Ledger) and mob bosses are slowly getting busted by the police with the help of the Bat.. Ledger's perfomance as the Joker stamped the late actors talent as Hollywood's finest, his sinister, dark, psychotic perfomance of the Joker deserves an academy award or at least a nomination, so move aside Jack theres a new Joker in town..

With how the movie ends, I bet there'll be a part 3, and I bet it will be worth a 2 or 3 year wait to watch the Batman fight crime in the big screen.. And I can't also wait for the follow up of Superman Returns which is The Man of Steel, no word yet on who's the villain..