I know I haven't been updating my blog for more than year or maybe two, actually I don't have time to write and quite honestly I don't have the need to write anymore.. I have facebook where at times I write something "bloggable" like sports, opinions and stuff.. But this blog holds a special place in my heart, besides writing the rookie year of Alex Cabagnot playing Marc Caguioa, Golden State Warriors upsetting the Houston Rockets in a regular season game, NBA Playoff prediction and such, it is also a place where I can share what bothers me emotionally, my so called "heart problems". I thought it was all over when I met a girl named Nancy Reyes, through a friend. You see Nancy is the type of girl that makes me smile forget all my problems, took away my doubts and fears, I can talk to her anything and everything spend late mornings(because I work at a call center before), wee hours during my days off and Vacation Leaves just to spend time with her. I fell in love with her it wasn't hard to love her, actually she it was easy. Easy because I found a girl that will make me happy and ease my troubles. A few months later we were couple I won't forget September 26, 2010. The day she told me "I LOVE YOU JM", I smiled from ear to ear then. I can honestly say that like all couples we were no different. We were happy, our love develop every day, every hour, every minute yet we still have arguments. I can absolutely say that there are things that I'm not proud of such as cursing her during argument in the heat of our argument, when I loose my temper. I never fail to tell her I love you, I always keep motivated on her days, when she gets in panic mode, she calls me and I keep her calm. Just like me, I look for her when I'm down and unmotivated. Though at times she keeps telling me to be sweet to her, I kept explaining to her I'm doing everything I can to be sweet, hopefully she found it sweet then again you'll find out. She pushes me to strive hard and to be on top of my game. I remember the time when I had sex with someone, pure lust. I was out with friends, I was bothered and told her about it, mere hours after the deed, she got mad, really mad, and I thought that my moment of weakness might have ruined our love. But thank God it didn't happened, she gave me another chance, promised her not to cheat on her again and I kept that promise. One of our most memorable event happened on May 15 of this year as we were both in the Taal Basilica, lighting up our candle and made a promise that no matter what happens, who ever comes, no matter what the obstacle is, we promise that we will get married.

The promise lived on, when she came back to Canada, we were much more sweeter, in a way our love grew. Yes we had arguments, I say things that I never should have said and vice versa, and speaking of arguments and things we regret saying we had tons of that last August and I mean tons of that, we had a fight almost everyday during that month we came to the brink of saying good bye yet we fixed everything, and try to salvage or improve our relationship to grow to greater heights. We were happy August ended, I can easily compare it to waking up from a nightmare. September, the beginning of the end.

On one "happy night" in September while we were in the middle of Star Wars Episode II, she suddenly started typing something. I got curious I asked he who is she talking too , she told me its our common friend(now not my friend) Jana Dalmacio, (you can search her in Facebook and bash her if you want) introduced her to a guy named John, a cook somewhere in the Middle East, I think its in Saudi. So I told her to stop lets finish the movie, and ignore John and Jana. I have to tell her over and over and over again to stop that because when everytime she stops, a few minutes later she will continue typing talking to those two DOUCHEBAGS. So I got pissed, telling her that I paid attention watching the movies that she wants, why can't she pay attention when my movie is playing.

It didn't actually end there as the month of September wores on, my nightmare continued she continues talking to John, at the same time she changed, she started comparing me to him in our talk, which pisses me off questioning my love. She started too loose her temper too easily everytime I make mistakes. I remember the day I confronted her about John, confronted Jana about John, both of them told me that I should keep keep an open mind. They both told me to grow up. Eventually we fixed everything and one day Nancy told me she fell in love with John, which made me really angry. I forgot the words that I said, I lost my temper. I choose to forgive her, because I love her and I want to keep my promise. We even celebrated our anniversary this September, and then my birthday on the 17th of October. Then a week later we had a fight, our last one as boyfriend and girlfriend. We never ever tried to fix it. Even if I wanted too and she wanted too. She told me to wait, we have to fix ourselves, we have to be better individuals so that we can be together as a better couple. My mistake? I listened.

The last week of October and the first 2 weeks of November was tough, looking at her facebook, a mystery man named UTUTIN suddenly keep popping up, with messages such as thank you for appreciating me then the arab word for I love you darling. A picture of the ring where she is so happy, made me weary. Is she trying to ditch me to another man. I have to know everytime I confronted her she makes a twisted story that its not like that blah blah blah and I get twisted. Sunday night to early Monday morning, Nov 13 and 14, I couldn't take it anymore. I really have to know. I went inside her Yahoo Account, saw their messages even their YM logs. She has been lying to me since September, the day after she promised she won't be talking to John anymore. She lied to me, she will say that she's gonna clean their house where in fact Jana and Nancy will make fun of me and Nancy and John will exchange I love yous. I saw messages that Nancy is telling John that John is better than me, she's willing to take a leap of faith etc etc. I saw messages where in Jana was so proud introducing John to Nancy and volunteered to come to their wedding. They were even talking about the ring John gave to Nancy, and they were boyfriend and girlfriend since the 8th of October. She even told John that he was her Carl, and she was Ellie the 2 characters from the movie Up, the same movie that we enjoyed watching together. I even remember reading about her love with John triggered when she watched NO OTHER WOMAN. I know I'm making a complete fool out of myself here but I don't know how to release all these emotions that has been bothering me ever since September, anyway upon reading all those messages and emails, my world crumbled, my nightmare became a reality, I sunk in my chair thinking why did she do this to me? Why did she left me? But in my mind its OVER. I don't want to be a fool. I don't want to be manipulated and twisted.

A few days ago she texted that she was sorry, she was weak , I am her life. She loves me. "Hirap na Hirap na daw sya". I told her "hirap na hirap ka? May John ka take a leap of faith? Masbetter sya sakin? Wag mo naman ako gawing tanga!" She even replied "John everything you're not" she continued ""Pero araw araw ko nararamdaman ang ktanghan ko ksi buhay ko kapalit nun. Don't worry you got the final laugh ramdam ko yun". I replied "yeah he has a car, he has a better job, he's not disabled.. Yeah he's better than me". Then the rest of the messages I recieved were like this "Haharap ako sayo gusto ko sampalin mo ko saktan mo ko, gawin mo lahat ng masama kasi buhay nya ako sincere ako ngayon, napagod na sya to wait, kung hirap ako masnahihirpan sya, naghope sya for something better. Meron nga talo naman. Totoo daw yung amin. Nakalimutan ko yun. Kaya kaw panalo". Honestly I don't know if I have to believe all these, when I received those text messages it only maid it worst, it caused me a great deal of pain, and torment. Again I don't know if she's sincere, I don't know maybe Jana, John and Nancy might be making fun of me right now for all I care, all 3 of them can laugh all they want.

Nancy, if you're reading this let me tell you this one LAST TIME.. I LOVE YOU ok? Despite all the things you've done to me, the cheating, the manipulation, choosing John over me, not trying to save our relationship instead you listened to John and Jana, I still love you. Forgive you? That's a different story. Nancy I love you with all my heart, all my soul and for the life of me believe me when I say this to you I will do everything and everything to make you happy, I love you beyond reason, I love you unconditionally, I love you more than anyone can love a person in return and I love you without asking for anything in return. I had my misses and imperfections, at times I don't want to watch your movie, there were times I say bad things to you curse you, dishonor you, disrespect you but believe me when I tell you those that not a single day has passed that I've regretted doing that, even when we were together. I never neglected you I always put you on my highest priority, when I got out I usually say if its ok or I can stay here with you and I supported you, I motivated you, I never ever choose another girl to be with because I love you, I fought the temptations, I could go on and on with all the good things I've done and be sorry to the bad things I've done too. I know I'm not perfect, but you were the best that I had, and I can't ask God for anything more because I got what I want, the answer to all my prayers. Now with all the cheating, the lying, the way you, Jana and John had done to me? For making me hold on to something that is lost? After what you've done? Now ask yourself do you deserve my forgiveness? I guess you can answer that

Hemorrhage by Fuel




 

Going crazy here, loosing my mind, loosing my sanity..There are things that we should not be affected to, but in the end we get affected, its only sane.. You loose hope, you try to look forward, you try to move on.. In my case, it might take time or I might not move at all, even if i met someone new..

Its hard, I've been wabbling and wabbling about this girl for the past 1 and half year and yet when I have the chance I didn't grab it, she knows I love her and according to a friend the way she acted at me, the jokes, and all those stuff  where signs that I do have a chance, yet I never responded.. She was courted by a friend, and that enough stopped me from my tracks, when they were together I tried to be happy for her, though at times I wanted to punch the guy for treating her bad, like the time the girl was so sick, inaway sya ng lalake, and when the girl wants to go home the guy wouldn't allow him because he wants her to stay at a friends apartment where they live.. There were times we would go home together and have a little pep talk, she was telling me she wanted to go to my house and hang out there, I smiled back.. I was happy to learn that they broke up, though in the back of my mind I know they would be together again.. It was a setback for me, it did hurt me a little but nothing compared to this one.. She's pregnant, a friend of mine told me that she is, and I think her parents doesnt know it, most of her friends doesnt know it and she doesnt know I know it.. I just wish that her bf, the same guy who hasnt't paid my friend his waterbill would man up and take the responsibility of what they did. I do wish he won't treat her bad, he wouldn't hurt her, I wish she would give her problems.. I just wish she was mine.. :(

In the end, I must learn to forget her, I must learn to un-love her, I must learn to open my heart again..

Nanie I Love you

I admit its killing me inside, seeing them together, seeing them call each other the names of endearment, i choose not to make a move, not because I am afraid, I choose not to make a move because I was hesitant, and I'm paying for my hesitation, paying dearly for the days I let the oppurnity slip away and now only a prayer can deliver me from this kind of predicament.

I even tried not talking to her, shrug her off as if she was nothing to me, I think and I THINK it partly affected her in a way that one day she confronted me asking me why am I doing this to her, and my response was more of a denial, a lie, a truth that I tried to percieve what is real but its not, at the end of the day I was only hurting myself as each passing day comes the tension of us not talking would break as she was the one who broke the ice. She tried making me laugh the only way she can and I did from that point on we were friends again, she even asked me why I did it, I answered, now is not the best time to answer that question, adding up to the truth that I tried to hide, I hope she understands why, she knows I love her, and for now I am only at her background, a friend who will be at her side to rescue her, save her but with limitations.

I thought I move on, I tried reaching a girl named Empress way back but it only ended like Hollywood horror movie, my good friend Bart was wrong, she thought I moved on yet she was right on one thing, she knew I love her friend even after all those months, weeks and days. She  was the one thing that is constant to me as of the moment and maybe for enternity.

As much as I want to, I tried to prove that I am a better man, but I don't want to, though at times I unconciously do. All I wanted now is for her to be happy, and I cannot fathom the idea for her being hurt, in pain or suffering.. Niloloko ko lang siguro sarili ko, its time to look for someone new, but for how long will I look and try open my heart to that possibility. Time will tell..

How do we define a hero? Some might define hero as the one who defends the lives of the innocent, uphold truth and justice. Some define hero as the one who died saving others, while others define a hero as the one who is willing to sacrifice everything to the good of others, a man or a woman who has the gutts and the will to defy the authority, defend the weak, retrieve our independence, and other heros who brought Pride and Glory to our country.. In our history we have lots of heroes Mactan Chieftain Lapu Lapu, The man who led the longest running revolution in Phillipine History Francisco Dagohoy, The National Hero and Calamba's Treasure Jose Protacio Rizal, Andres Bonifacio together with his Freedom Fighters known as the Katipuneros, Sublime Paralytic and one of the first Filipino spy Apolinario Mabini, Westpoint Graduate and WW2 hero Vicente Lim, our National Artists Levi Celerio, Lucio San Pedro among others, Senator Ninoy Aquino, the man who defied dictator Ferdinand Marcos during his reign as President of the country, and now Corazon Aquino, the woman who brought democracy right in our arms..

August 1, 2009 will always be remembered in Philippine History.. August 1, 2009 we will always be remember the life of Corazon Cojuangco Aquino.. Corazon Aquino is a simple woman, a mother, a wife to the great Senator Ninoy, she is one of the women at that time who had to endure the hardships, the tribulations during Martial Law rule, we all know that Ninoy was a political prisoner back in the days of Marcos, she had to endure the years without his husband's embrace, during their last years together they shared awesome memories in the States only to be taken away in August 21, 1983 as an assains bullet took the life of his husband Ninoy..

She came back in the Philippines a grieveing wife, and garnered the symphaty of the whole nation, this is the moment where our ancestors, our parents, those who are older than us are awakened by Marcos' oppression.. During the wake Cory was a picture of strenght as the whole nation rallied behind her and the opposition in years leading to People Power 1, with her 'power' and help she brought back democracy to the country, released our political prisoners, and for once we did something that I think cannot be done by other nations, to unite, to care not only for ourselves and others.. 

During her Presidency, eventhough it was haunted by coup attempts she was able to weather the storm, and finish her reign and of course re-establishing what was lost during the Marcos Era democracy..

After her term as President, she was still seen active in various activities and charities, her presence in People Power 2 was crucial, as her battlecry for the ouster of Joseph Estrada contributed to the 'demise' of the Estrada regime(though Estrada didn't resign, what happened is a POWER GRAB by POWER MONGREL Gloria Macapagal Arroyo).. A few years later she wasn't afraid of doing the '180' as she was seen together with opposition senators even with Estrada as they protest GMA's cheating the election, the ZTE scandal and other corrupt things our 'PRESIDENT' did in the last few years, she was even agains the CON ASS, overall she was a woman of principle, HECK she even said joining People Power 2 is something she regretted doing, if she sees something wrong she's not afraid to show herself in public, and tell the people what she believe that will obstruct demcracy..

Now even after the Estrada Ouster, we see people taking advantage of our freedom, as some of our leaders take money out of our pockets and enjoy the amenities we also deserve, some of us would rather not have say on the issues that  rattled the very foundation of our constitution, some would rather say they are not proud of our heritage and our race..

Tita Cory, you're an extraordinary woman, thank you for everything that youv'e done in our country, our sovereignity.. We will always remember you and I swear that I will tell you're story to my future kids.. You truly are a hero..

Good day.. Sorry for not updating my blog for weeks or rather I think for a month or so..

For some reason if some UNC alumni and students and even the Tar Heels basketball team happened to open this blog, I would like to extend my congratulations to you and its fans for winning the 2009 National Championship, it was a wise decision for Tyler Hansbrough and Ty Lawson to stay in school and win one for the Blue and White..

The playoffs just started yesterday and of course I'm happy that the Chicago Bulls made it this year with the help of the rise of play of Joackim Noah, Tyrus Thomas and the newcomers Brad Miller(his 2nd tour of duty with the Bulls) and John Salmons, they managed to finish 41-41 good enough to land a spot a 7th spot in the East, Derrick Rose also was a big factor in the Bulls turn around, hands down he will be the run away winner for the Rookie of the Year plum..

Rose also ignited the KG(who will be out for the rest of the postseason) less Celtics for 36 points 11 assists and 4 rebounds enroute to a 105-103 Game 1 upset victory over the Defending Champs at the TD Banknorth Gardens.. Rose got some help with Tyrus Thomas who recorded 16  pts and Joackim Noah for 11pts and 17 caroms.. Paul Pierce led the Celts with 25 points..  Game 2 will be tomorrow, hope the Bulls pull off another stunning victory..

Now we talk about the hapless and everybody's favorite team, The PISTONS, or should I say everybody just ditch them.. I wonder if some of its loyal 'fans' here in the country are still loyal to them esp the guy who is claiming that the Pistons have all the right to claim that it built its own dynasty by appearing in 6 straight conference finals since 2003, hey dude its not a dynasty when you don't win the rings.. The Pistons on that 6 straight appearnce compiled a win loss record of 2-4 appearing in the Finals twice winning the 2004 Finals over the Los Angeles Lakers, and in 2005 succumbing to the San Antonio Spurs.. Over the years after 2005 they were the victims of the Miami Heat, the Cleveland Cavaliers and the Boston Celtics.. This season, with a new coach and a somewhat changed line up the Pistons started with a new vigor, they traded Chauncey Billups(the 04 Finals MVP) for the Denver Nuggets perrenial scorer Allen Iverson.. From there they weren't the same team that appeard on all those Conference Championship games..

The Pistons lost the discipline in their offense, often the ball started with Iverson and ended at the hands of Iverson, the ball movement wasn't there anymore, heck even the defensive intensity wasn't there.. To add insult to injury with all due respect to Rodney Stuckey, the Stuckey project may have turned out to be a bust as he had difficulty with or without Iverson to turn this franchise around to all the tough offensive stretches, other than that Iverson went down during the season and soon the once mighty 'dynasty' came crashing down.. They managed to pull themselves together and compiled a 39-43 record, good enough to face Lebron James Cavaliers(yes I won't say they are the Cleveland Cavaliers, because Lebron is the team all by himself), who blew the wind out of them in Game 1..

So now that the Pistons are as pathetic as the Atlanta Hawks once was, so Pistons 'fans' stand up or oh crap where are they the real ones are left, where are the others.. Oh crap they're at the <insert ideal winning team here> bandwagon now..

Till next time..

I bought a 300 peso ticket meaning I have to be in the back, just to witness this historic moment.. I actually have a budget to score the Php 1,300 tickets but then again  I have to accompany a friend who was planning to buy the Php 300 but unfortunately he wasn't able to find a swap for a Saturday off, hence I'm in crappy place but that didn't stop me from enjoying the event..

The crowd is made up of professionals, students, some tambays, students, call centre agents, parents with their kids and of course a throng of celebrities like Ehra Madrigal, Wendell Ramos, Jericho Rosales, Joan Quintas, Buhawi of PNE, Karel Marquez, Anne Curtis, Kat Alano among others..

The rock show started between 815 or 830, the Heads pumped up the crowd with the song 'Magasin', which ironically the same song that made me attached to the band, that was around 1995, I was a graduating elementary student.. Hard to believe that it still sounded good after 14 years.. The crowd of course sang along through the stanzas and of course the chorus..

Being there among the crowd who is some older than I am made me travel in time, the time when I was in highschool where the Heads are in their prime and making records after records and hits after hits.. One memorable portion of the show was when Eli Buendia dedicated part of the show as tribute to their late friend Francis Magalona who died a day before the show(he was suppose to guest and sing the rap part of Super Proxy).. And oh the crowd went nuts when Eli uttered "Tang Ina" during Pare Ko..

Their supposedly last song Ang Huling El Bimbo was one of the best performance I've seen, and yes I've seen a lot of bands play but this tops them all.. Eli burning a replica of a piano remiscent of their Sticker Happy album.. After that the people thought the show was over, the heads came back and sang 3 more songs to the delight of the crowd..

All in all it was a great ending to one of the Greatest Band in OPM HIstory.. Thanks for the Memories Eraserheads..

Pagodpod, Ilocos Norte and its exotic locales eased off some pain, made me a little stronger but the bitterness is still there, I'm still bothered of the things they've done to me, no one should be put through this.. I mean no one..(read my previous entry) No one deserves no matter how evil they are should experience this.. To quote a song from Incubus' Love Hurts(from the Album Light Grenades):

I'm fettered and abused
I stand naked and accused
Should I surface this one man submarine?

I dont' know if both of them can sleep at night or morning, or be proud of what they've done, on Blaine's(my old 'friend') part I don't know where he gets the gutts to go to the office where almost everybody wants to chop his head off and tear his testicles and feed it to the dogs.. I don't know why Empress still looks at me whenever I pass by her. I admit after all that she said to me(through text msg and through a friend, after all those bad things, I may have despised her a little bit but I still lover her.. How stupid of me.. Things could have been different if that idiot Blaine didn't get involved or it wouldn't hurt this much..

Dammit I still love her after all those things.. Though I don't see the reason why I should push through, I don't see the reason why do I have to keep up to all this craziness.. I don't know if this is normal, all I know is up to now my feelings are real..

Empress Marie Louise Pareja I still love you..

It was her that put me in the state of nervous breakdown all the month of February, it was him that put me in a downward spiral.. After what I thought a very decent Saint Valentine's Day, all was lost, my hope, my efforts, my sense to push forward.. It was Monday morning when Empress told me my friend Lemuel will be her neighbor, so I politely asked her if I can now her unit number, she told me its a secret then I joked that I'll go Lemuel's place and make harana to her, she was so pissed off after that.. I tried analyzing every possible scenarios in why she was furious at me after that joke, then I came up with one, why can't she tell me that I wasn't the man that she wants, the man she wants to be with..  Later I knew through a friend that she called me a stalker, she told my friend I was scary, i look like a guy who is drunk always, i talk in a high pitch(wtf?) and all the possible bullshit that could have broken a man, she even told my friend that she accepted my gifts(flowers and chocolate) during the Valentines so that I won't be humiliated(because someone tipped her of my suprise, much to my surprise also because the surprise that I was planning is known only to a select few who isn't really talking to her that much since she became close to my "friend").  I told my friend to tell her that to tell it to me straight in my face, a few minutes later in one of my drunken episodes she texted me to back off, she doesn't have to say it to my face, and all the negative bullshit.. I only replied I dare you to tell it straight to my face.. 

Maybe she's not worth it, eventhough I still love her, and yes I admit that, I'm that crazy and I have to end everything that has happened, close the book and leave.. If she can tell it sraight to my face then fine, at least I am a man that can accept pain.. For her accusations of me being a stalker, I don't know but if I am a stalker I should have followed her around, instead of being drunk last Monday I should be at her apartment, harrassing her.. If was a stalker I could have gotten her number and address during the times I was doing workforce duties a few months ago, if I was a stalker she wouldn't entertainmen me the past few weeks..  I don't know what to say, I don't know if you guys will believe me either.. Probably my one mistake is that when I make hatid to her in the CR and I suddenly felt the urge to pee also, so I peed at the men's bathroom and when I got out she got out also and opened the door(the other door that hides the bathroom to the call center floor) to her..

Blaine on the other hand, was a once a very good friend, until he betrayed me.. He never told me his intentions to her, its ok if he wants to court Empress to but  at least I have the right to know, he could have told me like a man and tell him may the best man win, some even told me that she could have respected the fact that he could have given space, since I was "making my move" out of respect.. I never even have enough time to tell her everything I wanted to say because he pops out of nowhere.. A few hours ago, Lemuel texted me that their 'MU' now, Empress can't commit yet while that "traitor" is willing to wait, Blaine never told me that, he was ilang to me and my friends, half of the office hates him because of what he did to me..  Forgive him? Yes, someday..  Friendship over..

Queenie, what the heck she knows it already.. Empress is a ticking timebomb, not because of her physical features but the way she gets along with me.. A few weeks ago we're "hitting it off", getting to know each other better, sharing little bits of information about ourselves.. Heck I even told her I like her because she's smart, nice and intelligent. If she only knew the other facets of how I like her, sense of humor, her enigmatic persona, the way she acts with grace and dignity and all those stuff, she's fun to be with and most of all I like the way she smiles..

All that changed because of one man, my friend Blaine, Blaine in our company was known to be very very close to girls, if Lhaine has a blog she'll document everything that they do heck even Shine, OJ, even Maru I think and the list goes on.. They became very close that one day, one freakin day changed everything.. Before that I can't even talk to her without him popping out of nowhere and getting her attention, that sometimes pissed me off and my good friend "Grand Pa" Arn Arn.. I was frank with my feelings to my friends because thats how I am.. He knows that I have plans to court her but how can I do it, when he pops out of nowhere and bother our moment.. And yeah they went to church together last week, he accompanied him in her "lipat apartment" sessions last Friday..  Everything was destroyed because of him.. WAAAAAAAAAAH!!! Though when I attempted talking to her on Sunday he was the one who told her that she needs to talk to me, to sort things out, which followed a few minutes of uncomfortable silence..

As if we're gonna have a moment after what has happened this past few days, she was kinda cold to me, maybe there was something that I said, which I admit I think it was a bomber, I told her that there are things that I cannot say freely, and I have issues.. Suddenly all I have is the sudden gust of coldness from her, she doesnt smile at me anymore, she wasn't that much of a joker when I'm with her and Blaine.. I know she's not that because when I was the one acted like that, she was so sorry and I don't know, weird right? A good example of her coldness was she doesn't text me anymore, she doesn't  even greeted me during our shift if I'm not gonna be the one saying "hi" sometimes she's the one iniating the "hi" part and heck she even told me when I attempted to say sorry(with eyes looking at a very blank direction) NO JM ITS FINE, IM FINE.. WTF?!?

We met because of a joke, until we got to know each other a little, if she thinks my feelings for her was a joke then heck I'm suffering because of sudden shrugs, sudden coldness, I tried talking to her but the guy will pop out of nowhere and ruin things.. I will confront Blaine later and ask him if they're a couple already or what.. I just can't find the right words on how to say that sometimes I need more time or a little time to be with her and if he's courting her also at least I know, what will I do..

PS: Nanie smiled back at me when she saw frowning..  Well she's part of my past now..